Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dear Jess,

Today I reached the conclusion that I can't count on Rob. Now I'm feeling some kinda way.

For one thing, I'm not sure if this feeling will last. I'm either PMSing or pregnant. My hormones are jacked up and rolling around, and even though I'm in prime baby-making mode, I'm also cognizant of the fact that Riley really likes being the center of our attention, and he might actually do better as an only child... at least, for a little while longer.

Second, I know for a fact that I reached this conclusion at least partially because of my parents and their drama. Long story short: My mom asked me to confront my dad's girlfriend face-to-face. I declined on the grounds that 1. I have a family now, and I'm not willing to do anything to jeopardize their welfare, and 2. The girl isn't the problem. My dad is the problem.

My mom and I had a really long talk about her two options. Either she decides to stay with dad, thus admitting to herself that he will always be a cheater but that she can deal with it OR she decides that she can't deal with his cheating ways and she files for divorce. I told her that I'll still love her no matter what she does, but if she chooses to stay with my dad, I don't want to hear any complaints about his adulterous ways. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but no. You do not get to complain about his antics when you've CHOSEN to stay with him. He WON'T change. No one does. Not really. We're all hard-wired and only change within the framework of our permanent personalities.

This brings me to my conclusion about Rob.

Whereas my dad will always be The Man Who Cheats, Rob will always be The Man Who Can't Be Counted On. Serious conversations never feel satisfying. Decent-paying wages can't be held down (not by him anyway). Promises are broken all the time. And yet I stay because there are other things that he does. Like the way he loves me unconditionally and puts up with my shit - because trust, Erykah Badu ain't got nothing on me when she's talking about bag ladies.

Most of all, I know that Rob will never cheat on me. And I know this not just because I love him and not even because I trust Robert, The Boyfriend; I know this because I know and trust Robert, The Son Who Watched His Mom Get Cheated On. I know that he will never do what his dad did. And the fucked up part? I'm pretty sure that that weighs in a lot more in my decision to stay with Rob than I've ever admitted to myself.

I've been cheated on and I've cheated and even though a lot of it (especially the former) sucked, for the most part, it was all kid's games. If I'm honest with myself, I know that Rob's the first guy I hooked up with after I decided I was through with all the childish nonsense. The three people to see my pussy and glimpse at my heart before him were 1. A guy that I dated on and off for several years and has since gotten married and now lives happily ever after, 2. A guy that I clicked great with, but the timing was way off, and 3. The only girl that ever made me question if I would end up with a man. They were all warm ups for the real deal, aka a shot at Real Love. The good stuff. Fairy tales and whatnot. And then Rob came along...

Sometimes I think I rushed it. I did things wrong. I didn't listen to my gut enough. I'm trying too hard to make a broken thing work. I could be so much happier with someone more compatible.

But then, I know that every marriage/coupling/___ is broken. Not broken as in dysfunctional and unhealthy, but broken as in difficult. Relationships take work. Happily ever after only happens after you've made it your mission in life. It's possible, but not just by stepping into it. It takes work, and the work that we've put into it is the same kind of work that it takes. The only difference between us staying together and us breaking up? Us. Both of us have to want it. And there are times, like right now, when I doubt wanting it.

Rob is the father of my kid, and I live in the Philippines and I've decided to stay here until I finish my degree and dammit that's what I'm going to do. But if we break up, what does that mean for him? For Riley? Will Rob move back to the States, and Riley will then be left to deal with the stigma of being a bastard (it's a big deal over here)? Will Riley have deep issues about Rob being away from him? Will I be doing the right thing by staying here? Can I handle going back to NYC without first finishing my nursing degree?

One thing is for certain: It took me five years to realize that I'm carrying all of the heavy weight in this relationship, and now that I know that, I can't just un-know it. I give credit to Rob for stepping up his game and figuring out how to be a grown-up and a dad and a Filipino-American, but I also have to admit that I've had a huge hand at his progress. I've been spoon-feeding him lessons on how to be a good man, and frankly, I'm spent. I need to do this with Riley, not Rob. Rob has to figure out on his own how to be a good man, how to take directions when needed, and when to know to follow his own lead, and what to do if he has to be the leader. He has to learn those skills and I just don't have the patience or willingness to impart those gems onto him. I.just.don't.

So what does this mean?

Either I stay in an unfulfilling relationship for reasons that are altogether pragmatic, realistic and idealistic, OR I end this unfulfilling relationship. Pretty much, this is my mom's dilemma, but not.

And just like my mom, I'm pretty sure I'll pick the former. Just because that's what I'm hard-wired to do.

Because there are times when my needs are met and I feel satisfied, and even though I know those times could be many more with someone else, my fear of fucking up Riley's development keeps me here. At least until we're back in NYC.

Because I know myself well enough to know that I change my mind a million times a day, and don't know which way is up most of the time.

Because I'm my parents' masochistic daughter.

Because even though I understand that I'm not responsible for Rob's emotional health, I'm not sure that I know that.

I'll tell you something, Jess. It's a premonition I had months and months ago, before Rob ever decided to come here. I was here, walking around the house, and doing things on my own. Our nanny was a kick-ass lady who acted as Riley's surrogate parent in Rob's absence. I was kicking ass at all of my classes, etc. And I thought to myself, as I weighed all of the facts, Yes. I'll try to make things work with you, Rob. I'll do my damnedest. I'll pull every trick in the book. I'll be happy because I know how to make myself happy. [Not trick myself to be happy, but make myself happy. There's a difference.] And then, at the end of it all, if I've exhausted my search for our happily ever after and we still don't work the way I need us to work, I'm going to have an affair with a man who appears to be everything I need, and I'll end up leaving you, Rob. I can see it now.

I see it, Jess. That's what scares me. I see myself turning into my dad - not extreme, no. But a cheater, which is something that I now detest. I see myself devolving into this thing and I feel like a train on tracks and I can't change it. I just keep hurdling towards this future that I've already set up in my mind. And it feels like suicide must feel: Like an unsettling and tragic end. Like I'm crashing into a great unknown, and who knows? Maybe it's better than anything I'd ever thought of.

I want to say that I'll end things with Rob, because that's what people of character and integrity would do when faced with these facts. But I might just rationalize it all away. Use my words to construct pretty little mazes. Trap myself in ideas that could be true, if looked at through different perspectives. Wear masks and hide between my thoughts.

I don't know what I'll do. I don't know how to defuse this bomb, get this train off its tracks, end things. I have two ideas of how I want mind and Rob's story to end: Happily ever after or tragically. I'm having a hard time coming up with a third option, where we can live happily ever after while being in relationship with other people. My mind just isn't wrapping around that idea, and I can't decide why that's the case.

I just know that I need to be able to count on him.

This won't work out otherwise...