Besos

I'm glad you've reached a point to gain your next foothold. You need to do what you need to do and I've got your back if you need it. :)

I wonder if your decision might put our parents affairs, as frustrating as they are, into a stark, more tangible focus. Is this what acceptance is like? Is this what love in real life, with real people, with baggage and all, condenses into? What other choice do you have, if the other refuses to make a decision that goes anywhere except sideways, and in circles? I know you love Rob, and I also know you are tired. Do what you must, ma. Your heart is most important.

*ponders...*
May I be a friend in this moment?

I'm going to risk it. I'm sure there is much I don't know behind the spaces in these words, and all the better if I'm wrong; I'd love to hear your perspective from this clean air, that clarity. But there's something in me, elbowing my ribs, urging me to let the marbles fall out of my mouth. Catch them if you want to, or let them roll off the table. Don't think me any less for doing it.

Inhales*
I worry about you.

I'm worried that you are hardening into something irreversible. I'm worried that there is something furiously, proudly building between your temples, something that holds onto walls you regard with suspicion. It's like a faint scent caught between occasional movements, fleeting between visits and post; something that I wasn't so sure was real and something I knew was not my place to say.

Yours is, confusingly, an optimistic post, but something -- I dont know what -- made me pause with worry. Yes, I also hope that you don't burn out. I hope that you don't grit your teeth too hard in your smile for survival.

I'm excited about your writing. I never doubt its strength. I'm mad happy that you are blessed with friends who have been through the fire. Don't forget to breathe, and read, and draw inspiration from the air around you, the thoughts around you. That's why they are there. Sips for you to draw from, and also for you to diffuse your incredible energy into. Push them away and you will live in your own pocket...

Four years is more than you think. Life gave you this time to gather and strengthen whats inside you so that you can give back stronger, harder, thicker, wetter, lovelier. Realer. Something in your words make me imagine a woman tensed at the wheel, leaning forward, gritting her teeth. It makes me feel that life has become a battle.

I really hope I'm wrong.

Love, intensely,
Jess.