Friday, January 15, 2010

Dear Maria,

A brief update. Like with everything else, my mind is paused at the inhale, and not ready to let anything go. Everything's catching so I'm not gonna force it.

My last day at work is this wednesday (the 20th). I'm not ready, but what's done is done. I always find it interesting, that things go better for me when I'm not so heavily invested in it. Work is a breeze now, my days are filled with laughter, my duties are done with swagger, with that small air of superiority necessary for my position (lacking up until this point). My relationship with my coworkers and supervisor is much better, I speak and make actions and do my job with this deep confidence, intimately tied to an ease of disconnect. I make jokes freely, and take everything less personally. It's hard for me to consider that disconnect as an unhealthy one, when it is quite clearly my comfort zone. There is not so much fear tying my tongue, thus I shine without filters.

It's good to be home. *Throws last year to the wind*

I'm excited about this. I'm hoping I could find time in the next year to work out, eat the way I'm supposed to, etc -- start investing in my much-ignored physical. This seed of insecurity that's borrowed deep a few years ago has done nothing but sprout a leaf here and grow an arm there, steadily drawing nutrients from the small, almost insignificant wafts of mental humidity. It's persistent, this thing. Hmph.

My mind's eye cocks a brow at more and more men nowadays, but this (hopefully closing) era of Delaying Self-Gratification has fucked me up and left me patched with scars. That overbearing, selfish girl Consequence always grounds her heels and interrupts the flow of positive, inviting, sexual energy, advising me to exercise extreme caution. All the time. (Ugh, burly ass cockblocking bitch.) I'm tired of it, but maybe I should just work around her. Looking impatiently past her shoulder is obviously NOT working. There are dustbunnies blowing out of my panties whenever I sneeze.

Entertaining the idea of "proper seduction" -- the more respectable, under-the-radar kind, if there is such thing. As opposed to the throaty-voiced, staring-in-the-eye type that I've never had the desire (or ability) to master.

Meh. Seduction, the slow process of it, the effort of it, was never consciously applied in my world before. Attraction was simply felt, and if undeniable I submitted to it. The games I played were done with the blindfold of defense mechanisms. As the standards I hold myself to have changed - not even raised, just changed significantly - it seems like an interesting path to tread. I'll drop updates if this happens.

Among a lot of other things, catching themselves on the flat of my tongue. This year is going to be an exercise of effort, gritting my teeth through the shit I'd have to break through, hopefully getting closer to being a person I could once again respect, even admire. Those who've never experienced that on a bone-marrow level might call it some extreme form of vanity. We know it better as Swag..

I miss you, I wish you were here; but our paths have taken the shapes they have for a reason. I can't wait to see you, to skype you, or to be beside you in person one day - to fill you in on all the spaces between these letters. There's so much that text cannot capture -- blasphemous, I know, to the eyes of the writer. Forgive me for that.

Love,
Jess

2 comments:

  1. Hey girl,

    Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. It's weird; Riley sleeps for intervals of a far longer stretch than most babies his age, but I can't seem to catch more than 4 hours of shut-eye at a time. Either my mom calls, or Rob calls, or the duties of nursing school keep me awake. Anyway, my bad. I definitely didn't mean to take so long!

    Has it REALLY been more than 2 weeks? Well, fuck me in the ass with a 12-inch cock!

    *pondering* That doesn't sound half bad, actually.

    OMG, I am BEYOND horny.

    *le sigh*

    Okay, yeah, LOL, sorry for that. But for realio though: I say, when it comes to sex, the only real consequences you have to face are the kind that have a 9-month gestation period, and the kind that you'll have to take meds for. Just as long as you're safe about it, who cares what kind of seduction it takes? Get yours, ma.

    It's easier said than done, I suppose, if you're looking to set up a scenario that you're sure will leave you emotionally and physically satiated. But if you leave the emotional part at the door, I swear, it's totally doable. This, keep in mind, is coming from someone who hasn't caught any dick in 4 months, so take from that what you will.

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  2. It's funny, but I get the impression that you're looking to try out seduction, and I'm leaving it. It's an awesome power play, it really is. It's all about playing a game where you're sure you have control, and then pretending to give up the control to your partner, while all the time, *knowing* you're the only one pulling the strings.

    I used to LIVE for that game. I loved control. I loved the rush of power, the carefully choreographed and scripted subtle nuances and signals.

    The need for control, though, smacks of distrust. It carries the stench of disappointment, waiting to be unloaded. And sure, sexual gratification can be all about the mental and/or emotional, but as I've found out, sometimes the willingness to be sexually pleased and someone's physical ability is really all it takes. No emotions or expectations necessary. No need for all of the pleasantry of seduction.

    I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like you've been doing it right all along: "Attraction was simply felt, and if undeniable I submitted to it." Word.

    Okay, I'm gonna get my mind outta the gutter just long enough to address the huge change that's taken me way too long to acknowledge. So yeah... You're officially out of work, and... dum dum DUMMMMM... is it everything you thought it would be? Challenging relaxing, a new forum in which to exercise your skills? I read the part about how easy it was for you to work, and I know exactly what you mean. It's easier to do well when you're not stressing about doing well. Striking that balance was a hard-won struggle for me, and I always have to check in, make sure that the values of my inner workings haven't somehow shifted. I think that kind of push-and-pull only make us more likely to be perfectionists, and that isn't exactly a bad thing.

    I miss you, Jess! Next time, I won't take so long to reply.

    XO-M

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