Feel the love

Dear J,

I'm gonna try not to blog for about a week, just as an ego-detox ritual. I feel like I'm getting really full of myself and becoming a whiny elitist bitch, bragging about my achievements and complaining about "problems" that aren't really that bad. I know my viewpoints are valid, but I feel like I should take a breather from publicly writing about myself, and wait for something really noteworthy to happen before I continue noting every little feeling/action/thing I come across. I have a gut feeling that that's what "Mistress Mom" is gonna become: a well-written blog about everything and nothing. I'm not yet sure how I feel about that... I mean, I figure that's kinda what it's about now, but it's slowly slipping into the fantastically mundane. Soon I'll be taking pics of our dogs balancing strange things on their heads, like dooce does on her blog.

Anyway, before I momentarily step away from the blogosphere, I have to reply to a comment on my blog from someone named Becky. I have no idea how this politically conservative, middle-aged mother who lives in the Midwest found my blog, but somehow she did and her latest comment about my angsty-ness rang true on a bunch of levels. Life is falling into place and becoming what I've always wanted it to be, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

As soon as I read that, I felt calmer and more relaxed. YES!, I thought, EXACTLY!!! I knew this in the pit of my stomach, but I think I needed someone else to acknowledge it to make it real. The second I realized its validity, I took a step back from my angry place and thought about the last week. Sure, I've had setbacks, but I've had free time, I've worked on my writing, I've spent lots of quality time with Riley, I've studied and caught up with assignments, I've laughed and spoken with Rob, I've (re)-connected with a bunch of friends and family in a big way, etc. In short, I've done everything that I'm supposed to do, everything that I wanna do, everything that the ideal me would be doing. So what gives? I guess, a part of me feels the possibility perfection and doesn't know what to do with it.

For a long time, I've been working towards a place in life where my greatest problems are how to style my hair and which vacation spot would best suit my family, and now that I'm nearing that goal, I feel distant. Being thisclose to everything I've ever wanted is jarring. I've always defined myself by the yearning, but now that all of my desires will soon be within reach, my life will not be about reaching my goals, but maintaining them. Not making money, but having money and using it wisely. Not finding love, but keeping the flame alive and healthy. Not fixing my parents' problems, but continuing to keep enough distance from them to keep my sanity intact while still being a good daughter. In each case, there's a HUGE DIFFERENCE between the former and the latter.

[In other news:] It looks like Rob's mom isn't coming after all. Her sisters aren't coming with her, so she doesn't want to come at all. I'm like, "Um, I thought you're coming here to see your grandson - not to hang out with your sisters, who you see ALL THE TIME?!" But of course I say a version of this to Rob, and not directly to his mother, aka the woman who is supposed to pay Rob's way while he's here.

Now that she's not coming, Rob's mom refuses to pay Rob's ticket. Can you say "WTF?!", cuz she was more than willing to pay for her ticket and his ticket when she thought her sisters were joining them. When he told me all this, I started asking questions, and he had a talk with his mom right there and then so I could hear their convo. Let's just say, he held his own a lot better than I thought he would. It looks like she isn't coming in February, but Rob's gonna come anyway. He's saved enough money to buy a ticket, and now he just has to earn/save some more so he can bring more luggage on board (all Riley's things). This turn of events pleases me to no end.

A while ago, an ex-cum-good-guy-friend laughed when I said I wished relationships were easy. "I don't think so," he'd scoffed. "Your personality doesn't do easy, Maria." I'm realizing he's right. I don't know how to take it easy. I just know how to do it the hard way. When I relax and let the cards fall where they may, things come out well and I wonder what I'm supposed to do with myself. Because now that Rob's going beyond my expectations, what are we gonna do? Be saccharine sweet and lovey-dovey all the time? Now that I've got these school and writing things on lock, what am I supposed to do? Relax, do my thing, and leave the rest up to the powers that be? Now that my family has worked on a way to keep my mind at ease about its problems, what am I supposed to do? Focus on the good, and forget about the bad? Because that all seems so simple, I can't help but question the authenticity of the answers. I mean, could it really be that easy: at the age of 25, I've figured out how to be happy, healthy and successful? Maybe I've always known the answers, but I needed convincing of their legitimacy, and therefore had to act out and try to be unique?

That brings me back to feeling like I'm being a braggart, and hence my keeping away from blogging for a while. *sigh*

Speaking of blogging, maybe we should just post these emails on The Epochs? We wouldn't feel the cocked gun at our temples, the way it happens when we're writing directly on Blogger.

Anywhos, I know you're busy, but I'm just letting you know: I'm happily awaiting your post and/or reply. And YAY! for Skype. :-)

XO-M

*****

Dear M,

I don't know why I've been feeling the pressure of response both on and off blogger lately. while reading, a bunch of replies burst into my head, but come time to put them on paper I freeze.

I'm going to download skype right now, and see what happens. It might be difficult to speak so freely since the only computer with internet is in the midst of family, playing video games behind me and shouting conversation from the kitchen. Or, the inexplicable magnetic draw of my parents with their unfolded letters whenever I am on the phone, interrupting to ask me to decode this and please call that.

this was a really great ...post? email? chapter? thats really interesting about the ego-detox.
what do you want misstressmom to be about?

this is where I get stuck. Responding to your life falling into place and you not knowing what to do with myself. I want to say nothing and everything at once, I just want to smile at you with my eyes while you talk this out. It's not something I can tackle as a problem and try to look for alternative routes. This is wonderful, this is the ultimate goal obtained, and I can only imagine how WRONG it must feel lol. Welcome to the beginning of book II, Maria's Chronicles. A different cover, a different binding, a different voice and a different font. Still a continuation of the same story, but one that could live under a different shelf, in a different genre, and still be respected and revered in itself.

(And the writer in you must be itching as well - for what is a story without conflict? How could one thicken the plot into a palatable sauce? SHOULD you?)

What's interesting is: I wonder if this dream, this perfection, could have EVER been obtained in the United States?

PS: IM SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR ROB. WTF. I could never have imagined that turn of events. He had enough of his own money saved up to say fuck you mom, I'm doing it? THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE MOTHERFUCKER. robs mom's actions sound like the typical controlling manipulative and damaging actions of a stephanie-esque (or a kim, my boss-esque) person. Which might explain a bit of robs tendencies and personality.

We question its authenticity because our lives were such a struggle to get to the unreachable. and now that the unreachable is actually in your hands, you look around blankly. It's not like a movie where we can roll credits and walk out with the satisfaction of a goal obtained. Indiana Jones comes home, takes off his clothes, peels off his dirty long johns, and takes a really long shower. He brushes his hair, he flosses, he probably has a comforter with a pattern that reminds him of his mother. Either that, or he has ridiculous bronco sex on his kitchen floor with a gun in one hand and a whip in the other.

As writing practice, the mundane might be a good thing. As a blogger, it's up to you to decide if you want to be dooce or not. Why not just create a new blog? for your daily writing practice, where you can make the mundane sound beautiful still, and give your life the shine of a nice polish.Or write in your journal? Or simply absorb, and adore, and store until the words explode out of your chest?

dont do anything that doesnt make you feel good. But if it does, M, fuck it.

re: the epochs
Honestly, I don't care what happens to this post after you send it to me. The epochs was started as a way to trick my mind into shutting down some of its filters. It was a way to facilitate conversation with you. I dont care who reads it, if anyone does. If you want to post it up there please do! A conversation with you is a delicious conversation with you always, whether it is in person or on the phone or via email and hopefully, eventually via skype. My mind responds to your frequencies the best, and opens up willingly whenever mine touches yours; now that we've got so many things in between us it just doesn't seem to be responding as flourishingly. lol.

i love you maria bot.

xoxoxoxooxo.